painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
subtitles are so good nowadays
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.