The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.