The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back