They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk