Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You Might Also Like
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.