… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I feel it
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”