I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
my sentiments exactly