Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
kitchen magnet
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur