[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
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This made me chuckle.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.