The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Everything reminds me of my ex
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Science memes
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!