[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
#Caturday
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I only look at Wordle for the articles
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do