All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
how it started vs how it ended
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.