Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.