[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Tastes like chicken.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling