Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The asteroid..
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The funk soul brother