[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
uh oh
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks