My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I have a new favorite meme page
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
the short answer to this question
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol