remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY