Don’t we all.
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air