I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
This January has 47 Mondays
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides