Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
They’re stuck in your pants?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop