On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.