Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Art by Pastelkatto
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow