My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
PLOT TWIST:
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.