Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.