“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Can. I. Help. You.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.