Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.