Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.