Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I was just discussing this with my cat
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”