Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”