Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear