[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
(yawn)
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.