Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me :
All Day At Night
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no