Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Barbie gone wild
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month