How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.