doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Selfie
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.