One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
He took my last fry, your honor
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Bruh PLEASE
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere