My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My patience has stretch marks.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.