People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND