food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
You Might Also Like
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes