And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
screw you
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.