The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.