Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
So, can we agree on 4 or
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is