Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.