Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.