Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!