Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me redecorating every room in my mind
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
He a real one for that
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.