my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?