Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
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Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Go hard or stay average
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Yup….perfect score!