Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Wednesday
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.